Roving Pack Of Timberwolves Pounces As Freshman’s Parents Turn Corner

WEST CAMPUS—Eyewitnesses reported that shortly after Timothy and Beth Richards turned the corner of Commonwealth Ave. and Babcock Street, a traveling pack of Canis lupus occidentalis, commonly known as timberwolves, immediately pounced upon their son Billy (CAS ’18) outside of Claflin Hall.“They came out of nowhere,” said Amanda Brie (COM ’18). “We figured that late August and early September aren’t the beginnings of timber wolf feeding months, so why would there be any danger?”“I thought they were just looking after their young,” she continued, sobbing. “The timber wolf mother is very aggressively protective of her cubs.”Security camera footage reveals that the pack of timberwolves — also defined as Mackenzie Valley wolves due to their proximity to the upper Mackenzie River Valley in central Alberta, Canada — began circling the visibly unsettled Richards as he struggled to lift his last cardboard box of tupperware through the double doors of Claflin Hall.By the time that his parents’ 2010 Honda Odyssey had made a right turn onto Commonwealth Ave, Billy’s left tricep was being devoured by the alpha male of the group, and a pair of greater yellow-headed vultures was seen circling the carcass.“Beautiful creatures, ain’t they?” said BUPD Fish and Game deputy sheriff Mack Thompson. “So wild, so free. Shame they got the kid, though. We always try to do our best, but mistakes do happen.”Richards’ death has sparked outrage amongst the student body, with many focusing on the lack of security surrounding weak or sickly-appearing freshman during their time outdoors during move-in, as well as the inability to properly label noted timber wolf-heavy areas of campus on streetside maps and social media.“When you come to Boston University, it’s expected that the school will properly manage the fauna in and around campus,” said Nathan Putz (SMG ’16), co-president of the BU Student Hunting Association. “We refuse to let another one of our fellow students fall victim to the well-known timber wolf population plaguing our grounds.”Reports have surfaced that the Richards family is refusing to speak with Boston University officials following an initial meeting to arrange memorial services.“I realize now that opening with a joke about ‘Rhett’s big brothers’ trying to get Billy ‘in the Terrier spirit’ was the wrong decision,” said Dean of Students Kenneth Elmore in a prepared statement. “My condolences to the Richards family.”At press time, BUPD officials were seen cordoning off the sidewalk in front of Warren Towers, where a male Bengal tiger was spotted prowling near the Citibank ATM.