BU Rents Out Massachusetts for Senior Week

MASSACHUSETTS—Boston University has rented out the entire state of Massachusetts to accommodate Senior Week 2014, sources confirm.“This year is going to be the biggest and best Senior Week in Boston University (and the Commonwealth of Massachusetts)’s history,” said event coordinator Dana Sharper. “We want students to look back on everything, from their first steps into the Worcester George Sherman Union as freshman, to their graduation rehearsal at South Yarmouth Nickerson Field.”“And all of the wonderful times in between,” she continued while addressing the student body via megaphone from atop the Wachusett Mountain Ski Resort. “Let’s have some fun!”Students can expect a swath of events ranging from the Holbrook SAC Gym Dance to an exclusive tour of the Basketball Hall of Fame in Springfield, both of which will be held on Tuesday, back-to-back.“Of course I’m excited!” said Jeff Wenger (CAS ’14). “The Somerville Bar Takeover alone is worth it, but coming there right after a nice picnic on the Cape sounds even better.”Officials recommend students bring enough clothes for a 10-day trip “to be safe,” as well as camping gear and water purifiers.“I don’t expect there to be any problems,” declared President Robert Brown, speaking to reporters aboard his yacht, Give Me Liberty, or Give Me Debt. “Senior Week is meant to be the last hurrah for the class of 2014, and I’m confident it will go swimmingly.”“Of course, if students have difficulty crossing the Nashua River on their way to the Marblehead Mini-Golf Madness on Day 3, that’s their problem,” Brown said while reclining in his ostrich-lined armchair.Student Activities will also be organizing trans-county scavenger hunts, as well as wine tastings and movie screenings inside the Federal Reserve Bank.“The entire Massachusetts population has been nothing short of supportive,” said Dean of Students Kenneth Elmore, while grilling hamburgers at Walden Pond in Concord. “BU seniors deserve the absolute best, and that’s what they’re getting.”“Now who wanted cheese on theirs?” he inquired, checking his phone for directions to the next Meet n’ Greet in Northampton.At press time, Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick was seen taking his turn on the Interstate 495 Slip n’ Slide.