Deans Begin Programming Their Orientation Robot Clones

GEORGE SHERMAN UNION—As summer approaches, the Boston University Deans have begun reprogramming the robot clones of themselves that appear at each orientation session throughout the summer.Every year, Robot Dean Elmore, Robot Assistant Dean Battaglino, and Robot Dean DeLuca must have their programming updated in order to keep their database of half-accurate information for incoming students and their parents as current as possible.“This year the reprogramming is especially important, due to the addition of the new student center in Kenmore Square,” Said the real Dean Elmore as he connected wires in the back of a robot version of himself. “Now, instead of constantly repeating ‘FitRec is state of the art,’ ‘I really dig jazz,’ and ‘Who wants a hockey jersey?’ the robots will also be made to say ‘100 Bay State Road has academic counseling.’”While polishing the left arm socket of his cold, metallic doppelganger, Dean DeLuca explained the importance of the robot clones by pointing out how hard it would be to give an accurate depiction of BU to parents of incoming students at all eight orientation sessions.“Listen, I really have no idea what everyday student life is like here,” said DeLuca. “So rather than me having to repeat the same facts about the buildings on campus over and over, I can have a robot do it while I take a vacation.”The robot clones aren’t just about giving information, says Assistant Dean Battaglino, who stresses the importance of programming the robots with at least two jokes, which will be repeated over and over throughout the summer.“One of the most important parts of orientation is showing the parents that we’re people, too,” said Battaglino, while nearby a robot version of himself continually walked into a wall, saying “Isn’t it weird that we have a Quidditch team? I like to golf. Ha ha. Am I right, dads?”“Obviously we’re still trying to work out the bugs,” said Battaglino, before his robot double began to say “We care deeply about each and every one of our students.”“Like that. I’m still not sure why it says that,” said the real Battaglino.When asked why the Deans don’t just appear at the parent orientation events themselves to show parents how personable they are, Dean Elmore smiled and laughed. “Would you want to lie like that to people who are going to pay your institution hundreds of thousands of dollars? No thanks, I’ll leave it to the robot clones.”