Student Outrage Rises By 3.7 Percent

BOSTON—A report released late yesterday outlining the disposition of Boston University students has found that the level of dissatisfaction with the quality of their education will rise 3.7 percent for the 2013-2014 academic year, with a 3.3 percent increase in the level of dissatisfaction with their housing on the university’s campus.“In the coming year, we’re working to preserve and continue to increase the level of our students’ dissatisfaction with their Boston University education and our support services through a steady increase in the cost of attendance for our students and parents,” University President Robert A. Brown wrote in a March 18 letter to students and parents. “The university recognizes that tuition increase is a necessary element to keeping our student body as unhappy as possible."Brown added that this increase in dissatisfaction is beneath the 4.2 percent nationwide average increase for private universities, a statistic which made absolutely no one feel better except for one student."I think it’s great,” said Kathy Mulholland (SAR ‘12), who last semester was voted BU’s most gullible and trusting student. “If we’re going to continue to be unhappy with how much we’re paying to go to school, our anger and poverty might as well be going up in little baby steps so we don’t notice it as much.”In his letter, President Brown outlined how an increased tuition, and the level of student unhappiness that goes along with it, will enhance the quality of life on BU campus. “To be honest, nothing’s going to change for a while. We’re still pretty deep in debt because of that giant new building we built last year and the new one that’s currently being built. And have you seen the plans for New Balance Field and Student Village 3 coming down the pike? I mean, sheesh, we’re not even going to be able to put a dent into all of this.”“Hey, do you think I could borrow five dollars?” Brown added.Brown says that students who are comfortable with their current level of dissatisfaction with what they pay to the university will have ways of combating the increase. “Next year, 53 percent of students will receive financial aid. Through the work study program, more than half of the student body will have the chance to earn back up to two thousand dollars of their money per semester,” Brown said. “This is about the same amount of money that we’re increasing tuition by, so we really don’t see why you’re complaining.”At a press conference earlier this afternoon, when asked by a Bunion reporter why they weren’t using money from their billion-dollar campaign to offset the cost of the university, President Brown pretended not to hear the question and quickly left the room.