University Totally Pussies Out and Cancels Classes

BOSTON—Sources confirmed yesterday evening that Boston University has totally pussied out and decided to cancel all Monday classes.Facing the impending threat of Hurricane Sandy and the concurrent risk of widespread injury and environmental destruction, the University sent out a really lame e-mail at 6:00 p.m. last night to inform the student body what a bunch of wimps they are.“We encourage everyone to take necessary precautions to remain safe in the face of this natural disaster,” said the e-mail from the totally spineless administration. “You should probably, um, get some food and water for tomorrow.”Students were very surprised to receive the notice of cancellation, following reports from the administration that generators were being rented to ensure classes could be held on Monday. “I’m really surprised they backed down like that,” said Fred Provencher (CAS ‘15). “I thought I was gonna have my 8:00 a.m. lecture tomorrow. What a bunch of cowards.”“We were pretty much forced to close at the request of Governor Patrick,” explained Dean Elmore this morning via a phone interview.“We all know that BU is better than this. If it were up to us, every student would be sitting in lecture soaked to the bone.” While the University’s shameful display of cowardice has elicited criticism from the community, some individuals are speaking positively of the decision to close for the day. “I’m glad that I don’t have much work to do today,” said  a janitor who was called in to work along with other essential staff and faculty members. “No one’s been peeing on the floor in the bathrooms. There’s not much to clean up.”Hurricane Sandy is anticipated to continue hitting Boston throughout the night and into tomorrow. At press time, everyone is expecting the administration to cancel classes again tomorrow like the weak little bitches that they are.