Quidditch Team Opens Season with 450-75 Rout of UMass Muggles

NICKERSON—Looking to kick-off another successful season and finally gain the respect of their parents, the #1 ranked Boston University Quidditch team dominated local rival UMass last Saturday. Bunion reporters spent the entire day with BU’s would-be wizards to find out what makes them tick. “It was a great win. Total team effort,” said senior Fig Moonstar (CAS ‘13) moments after the game ended.Quidditch, a game played by broomstick-riding witches and wizards in J.K. Rowling’s “Harry Potter” series, has gained massive popularity as an actual sport at many colleges around the country. Boston University, with its nerdy and generally unathletic student body, has understandably excelled at this silly sport.“Listen, I’m just happy these kids are getting outside,” said Director of Athletics Mike Lynch. “Personally, I rank Quidditch only just below Ultimate Frisbee in terms of legitimate sports. But it seems to make those dorks happy, so I’m fine with it.” When pressed, Lynch admitted that Quidditch is still a better sport than soccer.“People see me running around with a broomstick between my legs and they laugh,” explains second-string Seeker Artemis Spiddlesby (COM '15). “I don’t care, though. I’m just happy to be representing my school. This past year, a lot’s been made about the sex scandals in BU athletics. I can say with supreme confidence that you’ll never have to worry about one of our players getting involved in anything like that.”In the books, the Snitch is a small golden orb. Catching it earns the Seeker’s team 150 points, wins the match, and brings fame and popularity to the winning Seeker. In real Quidditch, it’s a fully grown man dressed in yellow, and catching him earns 30 points and there is no fame or popularity. "I have to tackle him to win. It’s awkward,“ Spiddlesby conceded.The match against UMass turned out to be an easy win for Boston University. Conscious about staying hydrated, everyone on the BU squad chugged two gallons of pumpkin juice before the starting whistle.The only minor hiccup occurred between halves, when freshman Tara Thundersquid (SMG '16), upset about some rough hits from UMass players, attempted to petrify one of her opponents."I let my passion get the better of me,” said Thundersquid once the match was over and she’d finished barfing up the last of her pumpkin juice. “You’ve got to keep my head in the game. After all, WWJKRD?”WWJKRD, or 'What Would J.K. Rowling Do?’, raises an interesting question. Just what does the author think of how her fictional sport has come to life?“I was just trying to make children happy,” an exasperated Rowling explained in a recent interview. “If I’d known it would lead to all of this…” Rowling said, before trailing off.“I don’t know if this trend will last,” said Lynch in a follow-up, commenting on the potential longevity of the sport. “There’s such a small demographic for pretend sports. Maybe they should just switch to Ultimate Frisbee.”