Dead Body Wins Head of the Charles

CHARLES RIVER—Sources have confirmed that the winner of the men’s championship singles at the Head of the Charles regatta on Sunday was an unidentified dead body.The body, which forensic analysts have described as “partially mutilated” and “deceased”, crossed the finish line yesterday in under 18 minutes, coming in at first place by a nose.Participants in Saturday’s singles race say that the corpse’s first place victory came as a surprise. “He seemed a bit sluggish at the start of the race. I really wasn’t expecting him to pop up out of nowhere like that,” said Michael Cataldo of the Union Boat Club.With a solid time of 17:20.16 and an estimated time of death of 1:46 a.m. on Sunday, the unidentified husk is the first formerly living person to win a championship singles race in over 25 years. At press time, the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner of Massachusetts is still in the process of identifying the man by dental records.“We hope that the man’s identity will be confirmed soon,” said a representative from the Head of the Charles Organization, who are unsure of what to do with the first-place medal.“We hope that anyone with any information about his identity will contact us, and also the police.”The second place finisher in the men’s championship singles was Peter MacGowan of the Ridley Graduate Boat Club, followed by another dead body in third.