Armed Robber Caught, Is Actually Italian

SAINT PAUL STREET—One of the culprits of four recent armed robberies near Boston University’s campus was taken into custody by BUPD late Thursday afternoon after turning himself in at the police station. The man, who admitted to robbing a female student after threatening her with a handgun, matches all previous descriptions of the suspects from the recent robberies, other than the fact that he is not African American.“Yeah, he’s clearly Italian,” reported Officer Judy Reynolds, who made the arrest. “We were even laughing about it because he had only been arrested for like a half hour before he asked for some pasta. Talk about reinforcing a stereotype.”The robber, an 18 year old male, who was wearing a hoodie and had a hand gun in his possession, was not in fact black.“I’m just glad they caught one of the criminals,” said Megan Dorrow (COM ’14), a victim of the recent robberies. “It was so scary to be walking home and suddenly have three black men come up and– what? This one wasn’t black? Huh, I could have sworn…” Having grown up in New Canaan, CT, Dorrow told the Bunion that her only other experience with black people was when she met Will Smith at one of her father’s gala events.“Oh, actually, my daddy does have another black friend,” Dorrow continued. “Or maybe he’s Indian? I don’t know. Whatever, I usually take a cab home anyway, it just totally sucks that the one time I walk home from chapter I get robbed.”In the wake of this racial confusion, BUPD has received criticism from the student body for widely spreading the rumor that all of the suspects were black.“This is completely representative of how oppressive our Caucasian society can be for African Americans. White people are so racist,” states Ethan Cross (CAS ’13), who is the president of a BU Think Tank and a white male. “Also, it’s totally sexist that whenever a woman is on TV, she has to be a sex symbol, but men can be fat slobs. What is up with that?”The Boston University Police Department held a press conference early Thursday afternoon in order to address students’ concerns. “I mean this guy is like the dark kind of Italian,” reported Officer John Stone. “So if you really squint, it’s not that hard to think he might be black.”Dean of Students Kenneth Elmore could not be reached for comment, but was last seen repeatedly banging his head against a wall.Boston University Police have issued an alert telling students that in order to remain safe, they should stay away from Italian people for the time being.