Mr Beast Is Just Like My Dad, He’s Not in My Life

By Anonymous | Photo by Lauren Matz

Dear Mr. Beast, 

You are a lot like my dad. You never show up when I need you. I have been looking for whole milk to put in my fruit loops since the day my dad went to get milk… and never returned. That is not the only way you are like him. He sends me money sometimes too. Those monthly welfare checks for childcare are just like your million dollar giveaways. After all, you both make your victims do unhinged things for money. You make people play squid games, my dad makes me take pictures of my mom's feet while she's sleeping for his personal collection. My dad did not only do horrible things though, he always fed me yummy snacks. Mr. Beast, I adored your prime energy lunchly’s. They make me nostalgic for the monster energy and Lunchables my dad used to feed me to keep me quiet while he fucked his secretary. After all, both your Lunchly and my Dad’s crusty snacks are mold infested. My dad’s friends also remind me of your friends, Mr. Beast. They are both deeply problematic. They share a lot of traits like casually slaying slurs, getting caught in cheating scandals, and doing coke. I am sorry to say, but Mr. Beast, you are no friend to me. Ever since I realized you and my dad are carbon copies, I have been deeply upset. Maybe you are my dad… it could be possible… I haven’t seen him in 14 years. But maybe Mr. Beast is just a grand metaphor for the friends we met along the way.

Mr. Beast, do you really want to be compared to my deadbeat dad? 

With love and desperation,

A devoted Mr. Beast fan