It’s Time for Revolution My Brothers and Sisters! It’s Time to Recolonize the British Student’s Dorms!
By (Mama) Cam Hoff
Hear ye hear ye my brothers and sisters and mothers. No matter what walk of life or past you may come from, gather around to hear. My hand, hand in hand, with the ancestral prison lesbians of Australia, the sobbing soapy sisters of India, or even the cold fake french hand of a Canadian. We must come together to destroy the issue that has plagued our campus and the world at whole for centuries upon centuries. My siblings in arms… it’s time for revolution! It’s time to recolonize the British Student Dorms!
As we all know, BU doesn’t understand that claiming “guaranteed housing” means one genuinely needs to have as many rooms/beds as they have students paying for housing. While it may be impossible for BU housing to get this through their thick skulls, I understand that concept easily because one time I took a sewing class. And I’ll fix BU, whether they like it or not.
Last week, American student, Ima Murricun, went undercover as a new intern at BU Housing to find where these so-called “promised” housing were actually going to. Ms. Murricun reported back to say, “I almost lost my life in those trenches. The desks were flipped and set up in barricades. The employees divided into two groups and there was an unimaginable crossfire. One group believed in BU holding up their promise of guaranteed housing, the other was more hungry for money than President Brown himself. I think we can all tell who’s winning the war…”
Ms. Murricun also made a key discovery in her search for answers: “Those scoundrels… they’re giving all the dorms to international British students. Why? I don’t know. But I can only imagine it has something to do with Princess Diana’s death.”
This is absolutely unacceptable. Every single student regardless of ethnicity, nationality, or country of origin should be able to partake in BU guaranteed housing. And while Ms. Murricun may be xenophobic, she has the power to recognize this too. So, we are asking you, no. I am asking you to join our cause and to take back our dorms by force.
What would this entail you might wonder? On January 6, 2025 we will be meeting at the heart of the problem, Warren Towers. We shall grab seasonings (like thyme, paprika, or asbestos) from Cityco and/or the dining area before engulfing every single floor. The first wave of students will be in charge of breaking down every door, before the second wave swoops in and throws the seasoning on them, so they can finally experience what flavor is. This will enrapture them, dazing them into a coma permanently. From there we will spread like a wildfire throughout the campus, to repossess, to teach, and to change the world. The British students would then be shipped back to Britain on the famed boat “The SeptemberFern” before finally the explosions go off, capsizing the boat.
Brothers and Sisters we can do this. We will do this. We HAVE to do this. Join me. It’s Time for Revolution my Brothers and Sisters! It’s Time to Recolonize the British Student’s Dorms!