BU Frat Shut Down After BUPD Discovers ‘Goon Cave’ in Frat House Basement
By Jack Schwed | Photo by Lauren Matz
Boston University Frat ‘Sigma Sigma Sigma’ has officially met its demise after a BUPD investigation led to a disturbing revelation. Officers at the scene report finding thousands of bottles of baby oil, a 50-foot long mattress, and an altar dedicated to three time Grammy award-winning rapper P. Diddy.
A week prior to the incident, during BUPD’s regular surveillance of the house, they overheard an overwhelming number of students talk about a rumored ‘Goon Cave’ in the basement. With reasonable suspicion, Officers Jeffery Eckstein and Aubrey Grant, acquired a search warrant and returned the following weekend, on Monday, Sept. 16.
Upon attempting to enter the house, the officers were met with subtle resistance. The man who answered the door is reported to have told the officers, “Dude. You have to have a girl with you or I’m not letting you in.” After Eckstein presented his badge, the man frantically retreated into the house and began yelling unintelligibly. This led numerous people to flood out of the house, allowing the officers to enter.
After several minutes had passed, everyone had seemingly left and the house had an uneasy silence, leaving the officers on edge. As they searched for the ‘Goon Cave,’ a muffled scream from under them just barely graced their ears. Eckstein and Grant sprung into action, quickly finding the entrance to the basement and promptly kicking it down.
“During my 45 years in law enforcement, I have never seen anything quite like what I saw that day,” said Officer Eckstein. “It looked like a scene taken directly out of the movie Saw. Actually I wouldn’t know. I’ve never seen it. Is it good? Anyways, about 10 Freshmen were sitting on an enormous white mattress just…as the kids say…straight jorkin’ it. And by it…well let’s just say…their peanitz.”
One former freshman gooner, Jacques Tua, recounted the events leading up to this “freaky” hazing ritual. “I don’t remember how I got there,” said Tua. “One day I’m at SPLASH signing up for Sigma Sigma Sigma. Then next thing I know, I’m in a basement and I’m told to ‘get gooning.’ It’s been a while since then…let’s just say the mattress wasn’t always this white.”
Thankfully, these students were returned safely to their dorms, and all residents of the frat house have been expelled and arrested for Diddy-like conduct.