Am I Touch-Starved, or Is the Com Lawn Fountain VERY Phallic?

By Anonymous | Photo by Lindsay Lee

It’s November of 2024, and you know what that means! It’s still 60 degrees out for some reason. Global warming isn’t real though, right? 

Anyway, included with this unsettlingly nice weather is the continuation of the flowing water in the COM lawn fountain. The other day, I was lying in the grass. It had been two months since I’d gotten any action. And when I say that, I mean any action. Like, not even the occasional longing glance from across the room, given by a mysterious, brooding stranger, his dark, wavy hair falling in his face as he lustfully gazes in my direction. Pray for me, guys.

So as I gazed up at the stone fountain, I was feeling desperate. The water flowed from the highest point of the tan rock, seeping down seductively into the pool below. That’s when I saw it. Maybe I was hallucinating from dick-deprivation, but it kind of looked… like a modest, circumcised tip. 

Get your mind out of the gutter, I said to myself, it’s just a fountain.

I tried to cleanse these dirty thoughts, I really did try, and then I noticed the balls. Despite being strategically placed to not look like balls, the rocks on either side of the shaft were very ball-esque.

I couldn’t peel my eyes away. My sexual side had been dormant for so long that looking at this fountain felt as if I was committing a delicious sin. Oh COM lawn fountain, you’ve brought me to life again. I’ve been reborn anew.