May the Broads be Ever in Your Favor: a Bimbo Hunger Games
When they announced a new Hunger Games movie was coming out, a beast that had long lay dormant was awakened inside of me. I was 12 again, begging my mom to let me read the books and wearing my hair in a fuck-ass side braid. In the wake of this, I’ve seen a lot of discussion online about which historic Hunger Games they would like to see, whether it be Finnick (smash), Haymitch (smash), or Johanna (definitely smash). But I have a new theory to propose. What if the Hunger Games was bigger, bustier, and blonder? Welcome, my friends, to a Bimbo Hunger Games.
The Arena: A rundown Reno Strip club at 6am.
District One: Luxury
Tribute: Kim Kardashian
Tribute Parade Fit: Skims Couture, glammed-out body-mod realness
Training Skill: Brazilian Butt Punch
District Two: Weapons and Masonry
Tribute: The Cock Destroyers
Tribute Parade Fit: matching pink latex bustiers
Training Skill: Fucking destroying that cock
District Three: Technology
Tribute: Anna Delvy
Tribute Parade Fit: a sensible black business dress (NO prison orange)
Training Skill: wire transfer attack
District Four: Fishing
Tribute: Trisha Paytas, aka TrishlikeaFish
Tribute Parade Fit: I can’t even pick one- ummmm hamilton cosplay? No… Ice Spice cosplay? Barbie cosplay? She's so versatile.
Training Skill: Run you over with her pink G wagon
District Five: Power and Electric
Tribute: Tana Mongeu cause of that big honking ring light
Tribute Parade Fit: Hefner music video red lingerie
Training Skill: Fucking you (up) with a toothbrush
District Six: Transportation
Tribute: Mia Khalifa (idk why anymore, ig the Mia Khalifa song transported me to places)
Tribute Parade Fit: those fuck ass glasses
Training Skill: suck dick in hijab (she did that shit)
District Seven: Lumber
Tribute: Frankie Grande cause he’s a bimbo with wood get it
Tribute Parade Fit: rainbow manic episode realness
Training Skill: be in a throuple
District Eight: Textiles
Tribute: Marilyn Monroe
Tribute Parade Fit: the iconic skirt on the storm drain
Training Skill: alleged bisexuality
District Nine: Grain
Tribute: Anna Nicole Smith, cause she’s a Texas queen (rest in peace angel)
Tribute Parade Fit: Playboy Bunny elaganza
Training Skill: selling you diet pills (they’re poison)
District Ten: Livestock
Tribute: Karen from Mean Girls
Tribute Parade Fit: Duh, I’m a mouse!
Training Skill: predicting the weather
District Eleven: Agriculture
Tribute: Paris Hilton
Tribute Parade Fit: The Simple Life working class baddie
Training Skill: sicking that fucking chihuahua on ya
District Twelve: Coal
Tribute: Julia Fox cause of that eyeliner, you know the one
Tribute Parade Fit: something leather-clad low-waist
Training Skill: being a muse (thanks Josh Safdie #BUalum)
Who will emerge the victor in this floozy-fest? What will the alliances be? Who can be trusted? Decide for yourself and may the Broads be ever in your favor.