BU President Pardoning One CGS Student This Thanksgiving

By Kai Farr

BOSTON - BU is implementing a new program this November where one student will be pardoned from the College of General Studies by the University President. 

The event will take place on the night of Thanksgiving, as the entirety of the CGS population will be staying here for the long weekend. According to sources, the students tried to find a way to get home but were unable to navigate out of the Fenway campus. 

Although students are disappointed they cannot return home to have horribly uncomfortable discussions regarding world events with their families, they are anxiously awaiting this year’s Pardoning Ceremony.

“It’s like a weird Hunger Games reaping,” said CGS sophomore Maura Byers. “But instead of fighting to the death, we’re just being given a chance at a normal college experience.”

The selection committee has been working since September to find the perfect candidate to be free from the school, and CGS students have been on their best behavior in hopes of being chosen.

“I’m praying it will be me,” said Eli Hoff, CGS ‘26. “I learned my times tables faster than everyone and made the most prettiest accurate-est hand turkey in art class last week.”

[EDITOR’S NOTE: accurate-est is not a word nor were the hand turkeys accurate nor were they pretty nor did they even closely resemble the animal.]

One of the top contenders for this year, Roland Falstaff, is known for his academic skill, geniality, and tender-looking meat. 

“His decent work ethic helps, but ultimately we are looking for a certain plumpness and ability to be stuffed and Roland really stands out,” said Jennifer Jones, a faculty member on the selection committee. 

Roland declined to comment on his ability to be stuffed, but his boyfriend agreed with Jones’ assessment. 

The elected student will be ripped from their bed in the middle of the night and thrown into a random college of Rhett’s choosing. For the first month, the student will have to wear a turkey costume around and don a sign saying ‘I’m the lucky turkey!’

Although the selection committee admits this is not a necessary component of the process, they think it is “silly” and will be moving forward with this requirement. 

Certain guidelines have been set for rejections from consideration. Any student claiming that their summer in London was “a life-changing experience,” or who has slept with more than five people in their dorm building will be immediately disqualified. 

“I honestly hope I don’t get picked,” said Angelo Braxton, CGS ‘26. “I’d miss the shitty carpeted gym and complete isolation from the rest of campus life too much.” 

For equity’s sake, CGS is demanding a human sacrifice from the Kilachand Honors College. Sources say they’ll be easy to find though, since they never shut the fuck up about it.