A list of things BU spent your money on over the summer instead of A/C

by Anonymous

Did you come back from the summer expecting a new and improved BU? Were you yet again disappointed when you had to return to your 90-degree dorm room and wondered why on God’s green earth BU hasn’t installed any A/C in your building yet? 

Well, while the campus may still be hot as hell, here is a list of things BU did spend money on over the summer that you might not have known about to hopefully lift your spirits. 

Vroom! Athlete Program 

After a consistent stream of reported collisions between “regular students” and athletes, BU decided it was time to take action. “We realized the problem wasn’t the scooters themselves,” said one high-level school official. “The problem was the speed of the scooters. That’s something that’s easily remedied.” And remedied it has been; since the summer, all athlete scooters have been replaced by Vespas. 

When questioned about the logic behind this decision, the official explained that “the increased speed of the Vespas will allow the athletes to swerve more quickly out of others’ way while simultaneously forcing the hoards of passersby to stick to a very narrow strip of sidewalk where they belong.” 

Since the introduction of the Vespas, there has been no change in the number of collisions, but their severity has worsened. Medical costs incurred by students involved in crashes have risen dramatically, and BU is now being sued by over 30 different students for more than $450,000. BU officials said they do not plan to remove the Vespas, arguing that the hospitalizations “benefit the community through supporting the nurses and doctors of Boston.”

Furthermore, the school has also seen an excessive influx of student and faculty complaints of Vespas blocking exits, taking up large amounts of space in elevators and classrooms, and being parked in the most inconvenient places humanly possible. 

To solve this new issue, BU has plans to build new, Vespa-only parking garages next to every building on campus. The project is estimated to cost $16,000,000. 

Staircases to Nowhere

As part of BU’s new Exploration of the Contemporary Art initiative, BU has installed 63 different staircases around campus that lead nowhere. According to directors of the project, the purpose of these staircases is to “help students get lost in the wonders of contemporary art and media through physical experience.” 

The installation seems to be magnificently successful (at helping students get lost); a recent survey shows that, since the new installation, tardiness has increased by 96%, and class absences have quadrupled. Unrelatedly, all campus elevators remain broken or faulty, leaks and floods across campus have increased tenfold, and student morale is at an all-time low. 

A New Student Services Center 

Over the summer, BU completed construction on a new Student Services Center (SSC). The new building contains two floors of storage area designated for BU clubs and organizations, two floors of additional event space, four floors of study space, and a Pavement Coffeehouse.

Students who came to campus this year looking forward to utilizing the SSC were disappointed to discover that it had actually been built in Worcester, MA due to a misunderstanding between the BU administration and Boston City Planning. Since the opening, the SSC has seen zero student visits.

New Lab Equipment

At the delight of the physics, chemistry, and biology departments, BU spent the summer installing new, updated lab equipment in all the physical sciences labs across campus. 

However, several professors were “disappointed” when they came back from the summer and saw the results of the new installation. One physics professor said, “they had the right idea, sure, but when we said ‘new lab equipment’ we didn’t mean the plastic children’s toys versions of stethoscopes and reflex hammers.” Sources indeed confirmed that all new lab installations consisted of plastic doctors’ equipment from Amazon’s Medical Kit for Kids.

Residence Halls Renovations 

Editor's note: the information in this section has been deleted because it was incorrect. Renovations were not made to any residence halls, with the exception of repositioning a single door in Claflin Hall. This writer has since been terminated from the Bunion due to their obvious delusional state. All other sections have been fact checked and are true. We apologize for the inconvenience. 

Cash Back

To reward former President Brown for his years of service to the community, BU gave him three huge bags of cash (valued at roughly $70,000,000). Witnesses who attended Brown’s retirement ceremony reported that, after receiving the cash, Brown “disappeared into the crowd like a villain from a children's cartoon.” Brown was reportedly even wearing a black-and-white  striped tracksuit and a black mask covering his eyes to complete the ensemble.