6 Ways To Be Threateningly Gay Towards Your Roommates
By The Pinky Toe
If you’re like me, and fed up with your straight male roommates always reminding you how straight they are, I recognize that I need to take action. Literally, why the hell are they doing 50 push-ups in the middle of the room? Who are they trying to impress?! To restore order and balance to the world, my roommates must spend every waking moment thinking about how gay I am. I have devised five sure-fire ways to be threateningly gay towards your roommates.
- Start doing little spins every morning like Britney Spears does on Instagram.
Statistically, this has been shown to prove dominance over your natural habitat (a quad in Warren) as the spins actually serve as a form of hypnosis! While your roommates sit in awe, both wondering why and how you’re spinning at lightning speed, you’ll be secretly furthering the LGBTQ+ propaganda. Good work!
- Only refer to your romantic interest as your “partner”; use gender-neutral pronouns.
When your roommates actually have the honor of speaking with you, you’ll drive them CRAZY by how vague you’re being about your love life! You’ll keep your roommates up at night while they sit and try to imagine just who you could be going out with.
- Talk very loudly on the phone about your sexual encounters (you can make them up if you don’t have any).
Everyone knows that being gay means having copious amounts of sex. So, call up a friend at 10:23 a.m. and just talk EXTREMELY loud about your steamy experiences from the night before! Bonus points if they’re entirely made up, yet extraordinarily detailed! EXTRA bonus points if you’re just reciting very explicit lines from a romance novel.
- React to old reality TV shows the way they do to sports and video games.
“YEAH! ARRRRGH!! GO, GO GO!!!” should be your only reaction as you watch Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton work on a farm in season 1 of The Simple Life. This will obviously prompt your roommates to have a moment of self-reflection, and ponder the concepts of masculinity and why they feel so heavily chained by it.
- Wear your little sister’s old clothes.
As they flock around wearing their unwashed basketball shorts and Vineyard Vines shirt, you’ll be safe and secure in your little sister’s old Justice “#FIERCE” leopard print graphic tee. This will likely inspire your roommates to heavily experiment with their style, so use this with caution. They may start stealing your clothes.
- Invite them to a Pinky Toe meeting.